The Fires of Dundee

The Fires of Dundee did rage and roar, their tendrils kissed the lips of Humanities flaw, their beginnings wrought disaster, and the treatises fall as those bins became Martyrs when they called on us all. From the fires they roared and they rallied the weak; The Bins of Dundee, Saint’s of the meek. I’m concerned for the future, Binthusiasts. There appears to be a particularly disturbing trend sweeping large swathes of these Great Isles of late; one that, if History has taught us anything, could bear frightful consequences too vast and terrible to imagine. I speak, of course, of random guys starting wheelie fires. There’s random guys starting wheelie fires in Sunderland. Some random guys starting wheelie fires in Nottinghamshire. More random guys starting wheelie fires in Dundee. A random guy is starting wheelie big fires in Pilkington Road, Kearlsey. If the news stories are to be believed, hundreds upon hundreds of wheelie bin fires have been callously set in towns and cities across the United Kingdom, the endgame ostensibly being nothing more than a perverse need to gratify some sick bin-fire fetish. I believe it was Freud who first touched on the innate desire of human beings to make fire to their own wheelie bins in his conception of the ‘Receptacle Complex’, in his 1899 paper Interpretation of Dreams. Given, Freud was from a more savage time indeed, as it was commonplace thinking of late 19th Century Austrians to believe that people could actually own a wheelie bin. Those of us that have had the privilege of seeing the Wheelie-collective in all its natural splendour; that have beheld the wondrous sight of plastic forms frolicking gaily in the concrete meadows of Haydock, we know that Man can never truly own a wheelie bin. You can’t just go around setting wheelie bins on fire Freud, they have nerve endings. The images that have been surfacing in local news outlets across the land are graphic, I warn all who would seek them out to do so with caution. One image published by the Evening Telegraph, depicting the wretched carcass of an innocent 240 litre standard household size as its innards lay strewn across the Dundee cobble like oil on water, truly captures the viciousness of these hateful acts. Labour Councillor Richard McCready has described the culprits as “idiots”. I hate to be contrary Mr. McCready, Sir, though I would take it a step further: these people are genius. In fact, to label them as idiots gives them far less credit than they deserve; they know all too well what they’re doing will further their dastardly agenda. What agenda I hear you ask? The total and complete subjugation of all wheelie bins by means of fire and carnage. Now at this stage I should state that I’m not saying these fiendish cretins aren’t members of a covert multi-national organisation whose aims lie solely in the prevention of a wheelie bin coup d’etat that would shake the Earth to its very core, that much should be obvious. Let’s not, for arguments sake, assume that they’re not part of this secretive global network, which for the purposes of this exercise we won’t name The Cousinhood of Archibald Medley (or something not like that), then what is the alternative? Occam’s razor tells us that where more than one explanation exists for a situation, the simplest outcome is often the truth. So we now need to ask ourselves, seriously, what’s more likely: that hundreds of entirely unrelated people, completely independently of one another, in numerous counties across the entire United Kingdom, have been channelling into a wider universal consciousness and setting other people’s wheelie bins ablaze in what can only be described as an absolutely random-yet-synchronised human act of wheelie bin arson, OR, that there is in fact a clandestine Order dating back thousands of years that have made it their existential goal to eradicate all rebellious tendencies from the hearts and minds of wheelie bins across the globe. Think about it Binthusiasts, why would someone just set someone else’s bin on fire? What on earth would any normal person have to gain out of it? If not dramatically conspiratorial, then it’s just incomprehensibly odd behaviour. We may be able to drill deeper down into the truth if we look at some of the journalism surrounding this story. Now as many of may be aware, it’s hard to know who to believe in this era of fake news where the lying and dishonest media run riot, spewing their hateful lie-mongering hysteria about things that, in many cases, have already been proven factually accurate. Liars and Swines. In this climate you need to know who you can listen to, and no-one quite comes as trustworthy as The Bolton News, with incisive headlines such as “Attacker called police to confess biting off man’s earlobe outside takeaway” and “Optician banned from practising after being jailed for filming women under desks and in toilets”. The outlet reported that firefighters have had ‘laser pens shone in their eyes as they attempt to tackle the spate of wheelie bin fires’, something that strikes me as hugely suspicious, given that laser pens are a form of advanced technology far beyond the comprehension of any individual that would choose to do fires in wheelie bins. Again, what’s the more likely scenario we’re looking at here? Laser pens, or laser mounted rifles? What sort of petty criminal would start a fire then just wait around for the emergency services to arrive so they can deter them with laser pens? What type of person would even… No, kind reader, this behaviour bears all the hallmarks of an elite strike team, a crack squad trained from birth with one goal in mind: to annihilate the wheelie bin race from the face of the Metropolitan Borough of Bolton, Greater Manchester. If this is the case, as we have just established it definitely is, we need to ask ourselves who is involved here. I mean, did nobody else find it suspicious that Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and all the other senior members of the Obama administration gathered in the situation room to watch Seal Team 6 take out Osama Bin Laden? Bin Laden. Bin. It’s not a coincidence. Everything is connected. How high does this conspiracy go? We may never know. All we can do is keep our wheelie bins safe and hidden until we can get to the bottom of this.

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